What Is Known of the Mysterious

Saint Doctor Van Van Mojo

Pungenday Discord 25, 3170 Anno Lumina

Dr. Van Van Mojo, Head Doctor of Deep Africa and Maker of Fine Dolls, Doctor of Hoodoo and Vexes, first made contact with contemporary Discordians through the Greater Metropolitan Yorba Linda Jesus Will Save Your Bod Home Study Bible School as a representative of the Intergalactic Haitian Guerrillas for World Peace, where he was revealed to be an anthropomorphic personification of the ancient Patron of The Season of Discord, Patamunzo Linganada.

There has often been much confusion regarding Patamunzo's relationship to Dr. Mojo. Lord Omar, esteemed vessel of the Principia, often observed Dr. Mojo heaping hatred upon Patamunzo, who would send only Love Vibrations in return. For this reason, Erisians of The Laughing Christ sect contend that Dr. Mojo is an imposter and that only Patamunzo may be worshipped as the True Second Apostle. However, members of the more orthodox Paratheo-anametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric insist that Patamunzo is the Real Imposter, and that those vibrations of his are actually an attempt to subvert Dr. Mojo's rightful apostilic authority by shaking him out of his wits. The Erisian Liberation Front informants Fallopian Forinicator and John John Dillinger claim that Lord Omar's perceptions were inverted through a surreptitiously brewed cup of Kool-Aid, and they maintain that the Love Vibrations felt throughout Switzerland were actually a result of Dr. Mojo's efforts, which Patamunzo has been attempting to subvert through his connections with the World Trade Organization. But we here at the Neo-Discordian Radiant Church of Christ know that Dr. Mojo is both fully an imposter and fully Patamunzo, one in being with Linganada, and we condemn as anathema all those who would disagree. Discordian of any ilk are known to celebrate Dr. Van Van Mojo's Holy Day on the Fifth of Discord (March 19).

Dr. Van Van Mojo is perhaps the most accomplished theological and occult scholar in all the fictional world, and his published works number in the thousands. Due to his expertise in the magickal arts, Discordians call upon him to bless their spells and teach them the conflicting orders of existence. His symbol is a mad little doll figure, and his element is Pungent. If you find yourself in a situation where there is an overabundance of Pungent, you may want to invoke the Apostle by quietly saying "Vanvan Vanvan Vanvan Vanvan Vanvan KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF!"

Though Dr. Mojo may appear in any form, he is most often reported to appear as a man of dark complexion in a tweed suit and santerian death mask, and he is typically surrounded by a custom visuals-enhancing hypno-spiral trip-o-matic blue parade of cloud gas that leaves the narrative of his life wondering how it ever got enough energy to create such a manifestation of weirdness in the first place.

Though usually occupied with his research and professorship at Miskatonic University, Dr. Mojo occassionally weilds his power for great ostensible good. He is a frequent preventer of eschatons, most recently in 1998 when he deterred the return of JHVH-1 by sticking hat pins in a tetherball. He is also reported to have destroyed all record of his Nobel Prize winning work in theoquantum detection when he learned of the Nazi Roman Catholic conspiracy to manifest the robotic Jesus before the time of Divine Ripening. Obviously, we have much to thank him for.

The Turkey Curse

Any biography of Dr. Van Van Mojo would be remiss if it did not mention the Turkey Curse. While most of Dr. Mojo's Hoodoo remains unavailable to the uninitiated, he gifted modern Erisians with this well-known spell for their universal protection. The Turkey Curse is firmly grounded on the fact that Greyface and his followers absolutely require an aneristic setting to function and that a timely introduction of eristic vibrations will neutralize their foundation. The Turkey Curse is designed solely to counteract negative aneristic vibes and if introduced into a neutral or positive aneristic setting (like a poet working out word rhythms) it will prove harmless, or at worst, simply annoying. It is not designed for use against negative eristic vibes, although it can be used as an eristic vehicle to introduce positive vibes into a misguided eristic setting. In this instance, it would be the responsibility of the Erisian Magician to manufacture the positive vibrations if results are to be achieved.

CAUTION! All magic is powerful and requires courage and integrity on the part of the magician. This ritual, if misused, can backfire. Positive motivation is essential for self-protection.

TO PERFORM THE TURKEY CURSE:

Take a foot stance as if you were John L. Sullivan preparing for fisticuffs. Face the particular greyfaced you wish to short-circuit, or towards the direction of the negative aneristic vibration that you wish to neutralize. Begin waving your arms in any elaborate manner and make motions with your hands as though you were Mandrake feeling up a sexy giantess. Chant, loudly and clearly:

GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

The results will be instantly apparent.

While the Turkey Curse is surprisingly effective, it takes a moderately long time to set up. There is always the danger of getting one's ass kicked while adopting the John L. Sullivan stance. The Discordian Gemarah recommends coupling this spell with a "Hey! Look Behind You!" cantrip.