The Attack of the Discordian Universalists -><-

Ladies and Gentlemen! This church has been commandeered by the Midwest Discordian Ministry Assembly so that we may pay our annual reverences to ERIS, Goddess of Chaos, Confusion, Discord and Strife:

Do no be alarmed. Please remain seated. We mean you no harm. What you are about to witness is either a religion masquerading as a joke or a joke masquerading as a religion It is a product of the imaginations of countless irrational and irresponsible people such as myself And before you take it too seriously, you should know: We're just making it up as we go along. So Caveat Emptor! Let the buyer beware! The following religion has not been approved for use by the UUA. Side effects of this religion may include mental instability, paranoia, insomnia, temporary blindness, sexual dysfunction, pineal itching or swelling, loss of memory, dry mouth, munchies, uncontrollable laughter, and eventual death. You may notice some changes to your usual order of service; this is normal-- these changes are temporary and should recede within a week. Due to the hazardous nature of this religion it is not recommended for children under the age of seventy-two. SO DON'T EVEN TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF IT! Give up now, while you still can, accept that I'm only here to confuse you, brace yourself to go with the flow, and shut your eyes and ears to reason Because you're not going to find a reason for this. My name is Reverend Jack Ditch and for the next hour or so I'll be preaching to you the good news of Discordian Universalism. To give you some idea of what to expect, in lieu of an opening prayer I will begin by telling you some opening jokes. Please join me in a spirit of laughter and celebration:

What did the man say to the Buddhist hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything." So the Buddhist gives the man a hot dog and he pays with a twenty. The vendor takes the money and turns to the next customer. "Wait a minute," says the man, "where's my change?" "Ah," replies the vendor, "Change comes from within."

Three children were talking about their religions. "I'm a Catholic," said one, "and our symbol is the cross." "I'm Jewish," said the second one, "and our symbol is the Star of David." The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass."

A priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest commanded the man, "Reject Satan, and all his works, and all his empty promises!" But the dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his command, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" Still, the dying man said nothing. Finally, the priest asked, "My son, why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" To which the dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master handed him a slip of paper and said, "Go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises tomorrow night."

He did just as the Zen Master instructed. He arrived at the mansion to find it crawling with homeless drunkards, madmen and drug addicts. He discovered that the corner in which he was to meditate was piled with molding rubble, as the second bathroom on the floor above had partially collapsed from water damage. Nevertheless, he sat down to meditate.

His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from above to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on.

His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, something shifted above, causing human excrement to drip down from what remained of the toilet. It landed on his face, splashing into his mouth, down his shirt and over his hands.

Just then, two people walked into the room. The first said, "Who's the new guy sitting there?" To which the second replied,

May the light we now kindle
Inspire us to use our superpowers
To revel in our differences
To glory in our contradictions
To relax without resolution
And to leap tall buildings in a single bound

The Story of Eris and the Apple of Discord

Told by Director of Religious Education, Renee Levin

Once upon a time, in the land of Ancient Greece, there lived many magical beings called gods and goddesses. They were very powerful, like superheros, and each was in charge of a different part of the world: There was Poseidon, the god of the oceans, Ares, the god of war, Artemis, the goddess of wildlife, and Apollo, the god of light, just to name a few.

One day, all the gods and goddesses decided to hold a party on the top of a great mountain called Mount Olympus. Every god and goddess was invited, and even a few human beings. It was going to be the biggest party of the year! But there was one goddess that nobody liked. Her name was Eris, and she was the goddess of Chaos, Discord and Strife. Wherever she went, she would cause people to get into fights and disagree with each other. And so, the rest of the gods and goddesses decided not to invite her to their party.

This made Eris very angry, so she made a plan to get revenge and spoil the party. She created an apple out of pure gold, and on it she wrote the word "Kallisti" which means "For The Prettiest One" in Greek, and on the day of the party, she snuck onto Mount Olympus and rolled the apple into the crowd, where everyone else could see it.

Soon, three goddesses saw the apple and started fighting over who it belonged to, for each one though that she was the prettiest. The first was Athena, goddess of wisdom, the second was Hera, goddess of wealth, and the last was Aphrodite, the goddess of love. Soon the three goddesses were shouting and arguing over who should get the apple.

Zeus, the king of all the gods, declared that the only fair way to decide which goddess deserved the apple was to bring in an impartial judge. Now there was a human at the party named Paris; he was king of the city of Troy, and everybody considered him to have very good taste, so Zeus told him that he should decide which goddess would get the golden apple.

Before Paris could decide, each of the goddesses tried to bribe him. Athena, goddess of wisdom, said, "Choose me, and I will give you the wisdom to defend your city when it is attacked!" Hera said, "Choose me, and I will make you the richest man in the world!" And Aphrodite, goddess of love, said, "Choose me, and I will make the most beautiful woman in the world fall in love with you!"

Paris took a long time to decide, for each of the bribes were very tempting, but after giving it a lot of thought, he decided that the love of the most beautiful woman in the world was more important than wisdom or riches, and so he chose Aphrodite. Aphrodite kept her promise, and introduced him to Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world. Helen immediately fell in love with him, and after the party, Paris and Helen went back to Troy to live together.

Unfortunately, nobody had mentioned to Paris that Helen was already married to the King of Greece. When the King of Greece found out that Helen had left him, he declared war on the city of Troy. Because Paris had snubbed Athena and Hera, he did not have the wisdom or wealth to defend his city, and thus the Greeks totally destroyed the city of Troy. It was the worst war that anybody had ever seen, and all the gods and goddesses were made miserable because of it.

In the meantime, Eris, the goddess of Discord, went home and ate a hot dog while laughing to herself about how easy it was to make everybody fight.

The moral of this story is, if you don't invite the goddess of chaos to your party, she'll show up anyway and cause trouble, but if you do invite her, she's just as likely to stay home and eat a hot dog.

Battle Hymn of the Eristocracy

Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of the Chao
It is hovering o'er the tables where the Chiefs of Staff are now
Gathered in discussion of the dropping of the Bomb
Her Apple Corps is strong!

	Grand (and gory) old Discordja!
	Grand (and gory) old Discordja!
	Grand (and gory) old Discordja!
	Her Apple Corps is strong!
	
She didn't get invited to the party on the Peak
So she threw a Golden Apple 'stead of turned the other cheek
Oh it cracked the Holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak
Her Apple Corps is strong!

	Grand (and gory) old Discordja!
	Grand (and gory) old Discordja!
	Grand (and gory) old Discordja!
	Her Apple Corps is strong!
	
A thousand typing monkeys typing for a thousand days
Typed one hundred thousand pages, and this is what they say:
"Of course I may be crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong!"
Her Apple Corps is strong!

	Grand (and gory) old Discordja!
	Grand (and gory) old Discordja!
	Grand (and gory) old Discordja!
	Her Apple Corps is strong!

Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia! Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the utterly non-participatory part of today's service: The Sermon. This is the time for me to talk at you, so I invite you now to kick back, get comfortable and enjoy the ride... I'd like to begin by reiterating what I proclaimed at the beginning of this service:

I know we're a very academic congregation, but if you approach my words as if you're learning more about the religion known as Discordian Universalism, you're liable to just miss the point entirely. You won't find Discordian Universalism mentioned in any encyclopedia or classroom. I can't give you a definition of Discordian Universalism; I can tell you what being Discordian Universalist means to me today, But to be honest, it meant something completely different last week. Though I am not the first person to call myself a Discordian Universalist, I don't have anything in particular in common with other Discordian Universalists. There's no point in figuring out if you agree with what I preach, Because even I don't agree with what I preach: It's factually incorrect Logically inconsistant Self-centered Nonsense And I can think of several objections, right off the top of my head to everything I'm doing in this church today. So when I call myself a Discordian Universalist and I go on the Attack, it's not to get you to agree with me, nor is it to get you to do as I do. Rather, it's to offer a demonstration. To say "Hey, look at this!" To shout and gesture wildly and do all that I can to focus your attention on what I'm trying to show you, But what I'm pointing to can't be explained or understood, It makes no sense, It's always changing; It's not something you can think about rationally or evaluate logically; And yet, It's right there in front of us, behind us, around us and inside us riddled throughout us, and inextricable from us-- Reality Itself. Sometimes I call It Chaos Sometimes I call It God Sometimes I call It the Universe Sometimes I call It You and Me But none of these terms are wholly accurate. Over the next few minutes, I'll try to tell you what this thing I'm pointing to is like So you know what to look for But I can't tell you what It Is, Because if It's anything, It's everything. And so I say, with as much clarity as I can muster, This is what It is like... It is like I am skeptical of everything, demanding the evidence of my senses, seeing the possibility of error in every proposition, finding reason to doubt all that is professed and able to argue with anything and everybody. It is like I believe in everything, putting my faith into every given proposition no matter how faulty it might seem If you can believe, I'll believe, too. It is like I have created my own religion recklessly breaking from all tradition and flaunting all authority but my own willing to face off with every power on heaven and earth no matter how almighty that power may be for no other reason than to get what I want-- Give me liberty OR KILL ME!!!! It is like I belong to everyone's religion, as if I am obliged to defer to every authority not only to Priests, Professors and Kings but everybody-- every lunatic and criminal and tyrant in the entire cosmos is my Pope and the fate of my soul depends on my obedience. It is like everything that has been written is true Every book, letter, gospel and evangelical tract Is worth committing to memory Every half-baked idea and college student's manifesto Is Scripture Even bawdy jokes, slanderous rants and ignorant blathering Contain bottomless depths of wisdom. It is as if what is true could never be written, The path that can be described is not the true path, The name of God can not be spoken, Words will lead you astray. It is like I am a great Creator With a near-miraculous power to mold things as I see fit Rending my judgment over the world around me Enhancing the good, condemning the bad, Forcing the universe to serve my purposes It is like I am merely the product and tool of an even greater Creator. My only purpose is my Creator's purpose, and my only worth is my worth to my Lord It is as if everything, Creator and Created, no matter how great, is bound to crumble to dust; things fall apart, life is hell, and death comes to all, even Gods. It is like we live forever merely by loving others as we love ourselves, for when we lay down our lives to save those we love, even death cannot kill us. It is like we live in the End Times! Everything that has ever happened, ever in the history of Life, the Universe and Everything is culminating as we speak in an apocalypse of epic proportions wherin we will transcend all we have ever thought ourselves to be or cease to be entirely. It is like this is but the beginning; This is only the start of what really matters. All that has come before has been naught but Chaos, meaninglessness, randomness and chance Ahead of us lies purpose, fulfillment and achievement; we've only just begun to create. It is like this has all happened before, and will all happen again: the more the wheels of time turn the more things stay the same. It is like we are the Universe trying to understand Itself; The fruit of knowledge is within our grasp, all we must do is take and eat, and we will know all there is to know in the whole of science, religion and philosophy. It is like we have no hope of ever understanding anything, We are completely ignorant, And the only true insight I could give you Is to laugh hysterically and slap my butt and cry, "I don't know! I don't know!" It is like I am the only thing that really exists, and It is like I am merely a figment of your imagination. It is like we are each alone, and It is like we are all One in Being, inextricably interconnected. Like I only preach the truth, Like I spout a pack of lies, Like nothing I say makes any sense whatsoever. Like many things, Like all things, Like nothing at all, Like everything in beween. This is what Chaos is like. This is what the Universe is like. This is what God is like. This is what It's like to be Me. Look all around you! Look within yourself! Look at what It's like to Be! The only reason I am here today Taking over your church Disrupting your usual order Preaching to you in jests And leading you through all this nonsense Is to remind you what It's like, to point It out and encourage you to see It for yourself. We will accept It and we will fight It. We will condemn It we will forgive It. We will worship It, fear It, submit to It, and transcend It. We will study It, and we will pretend It isn't there-- but It isn't going to go away. This is what everything is like. Make of It what you will. Get It? All things are true, even false things. Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

Hymn to "The Prettiest One"

To Goddess be glory, we all will have fun!
And warm is our love of "The Prettiest One"
But warmer and glowing and deadly will be
The planet Earth after they start World War III

Hail Eris!  Hail Eris!  Let the Goddess be praised!
Hail Eris!  Hail Eris!  Let your glasses be raised!
Reality comes from the mouth of a gun
But all can be changed by "The Prettiest One"

One some days the earth quakes, on some days it floods
As even believers fear wrath from their gods
While on vilest offenders it don't even rain
Amidst all this Chaos we sing our refrain

Hail Eris!  Hail Eris!  Let the Goddess be praised!
Hail Eris!  Hail Eris!  Let your glasses be raised!
Reality comes from the mouth of a gun
But all can be changed by "The Prettiest One"

So as the end times come, we've barely begun
To alter our minds for "The Prettist One"
As others lament for a world they can't save
We'll be the ones laughing ourselves to the grave

Hail Eris!  Hail Eris!  Let the Goddess be praised!
Hail Eris!  Hail Eris!  Let your glasses be raised!
Reality comes from the mouth of a gun
But all can be changed by "The Prettiest One"